Endometriosis

A disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus.

It is VERY painful. And I’ve got it.

1 in 10 women have the chance of getting endo and I have a family history of it so I was up in 7/10. The original regular pill that I was on had stopped working and so I went to a specialist to figure out new steps and she put me in Visane which is a pill designed for endo suffers and it’s been about 3 months since and it stopped my periods but not the pain so I went to her on Monday 26th and she gave me three options and so surgery it is. December the 11th I go in.

She’s going a check up of everything and cutting away any endo as well as putting in a marina to stop future periods. Hopefully.

I’m nervous as it’s my first operation and I stay the night in hospital. I was so scared that I asked if on my forms my doc could ask for my mum to stay the night too. I kinda feel stupid for wanting that and needing my mummy but shut up haha I’m not ashamed anymore and I would feel more comfortable, my mum even requested it as she felt lonely and sad about her operations and from a mother perspective would be more comfortable staying so it works out well.

I will try and stay up to date with my posts from now on as I feel it’s good for me to get it all out but also for more awareness around these issues as most are taboo and not talked about.

School vs covid

So we all know what is happening in the world right now. It seems to be at the ending scale, at least for me and Tasmania I know others aren’t as lucky.

At the start of the year I enrolled my classes through VLT (virtual learning Tasmania) and Hobart college and life science was going to be hard to do online as it involved hands on work so I made the decision, with the help of my family and friends, to go into school on Wednesday arvos and Friday mornings.

I was obviously horrified and anxious but I was lucky enough to discover one of my best and oldest friends Ella had a similar timetable and so our classes were in the same building at the same time and just next door. It was a HUGE relief and we ended up carpooling as she has her Ps. I would go in Wednesday at 12:10 and we would have lunch and a free period to talk and then at 2 we’d seperate for class. Friday she would pick me up at 7:40 and we’d have class and spend recess and lunch together (it was a double period lesson) and I would go home and she would stay for her class.

Then covid happened. Classes went online and my healthy routine died. It was around the time covid ended that Ella had her own health issues and stopped going into school all together and I managed to get through my classes without her, I would only go in for the lesson and wouldn’t hand around. My teacher was incredibly supportive and understood and a lot of the time all I had to do was look at her and she would nod and I take a moment in the bathroom to calm down and she let me leave a few minutes early sometimes to avoid that big ‘it’s lunch time let’s get food’ rush of students everywhere.

At this point in time school is almost over and I haven’t been back in the classroom since the beginning of September. I went once or twice after my 18th birthday on the 18th of August and that was it.

Also side note my birthday was amazing and I got to have a great weekend away with my girls.

I started to get behind on work and it began to pile up and up and I never regained my momentum and so when September time came around I had a meeting with someone at Hobart to dish all things school and at that point I didn’t have enough to get 120 points but he was very helpful, all my teachers have been amazing actually, and got me the extra points to make it up and so since that meeting I’ve been working and working. I had to work through the school holidays but I didn’t have plans anyways so it didn’t matter and I got a chunk off my plate. I did a work placement for 10 days with Millingtons as I wish to be in the funeral industry and an embalmer, not sure if I’ve shared that but maybe I will as it’s a passion of mine, and that was so good for my mental and physical health. I did Tuesday and Thursdays and loved it. It was part of my Community services certificate so I had to do admin work.

At first I was horrified at the thought of being in reception and front desk work and all it entailed but it was so good for my anxieties and it went amazing and I loved it and am considering coming off my anxiety medication because of how up I’ve been feeling, obviously I have my down days but I think I’m capable enough to handle it without medication. I’m still looking through all that though and nothing is confirmed yet.

Things seem to be really good though.

I’m back

So it has been a hot minute since I posted. Not only has my life been crazy but the world turned upside down for a bit there with covid.

So I graduated year 11 pretty smoothly but year 12 hasn’t been as great. I’ll do a whole 2020 school year/covid update but this post is a general hello I’m back.

I have endometriosis (new post to come on that too) and am getting surgery. Yay. Not.

I guess there’s just so much to unpack because it’s been 13 months since my last post. Sorry bout that but I think you’ll understand why soon enough.

I started 1 contact class at Hobart college and it was going so good and then covid came and threw me into my old unhealthy routine and I haven’t been back to the classroom for a while now. It was touch and go after covid eased up but never got back in the swing of it and then my uterus decides to throw in the towel and disease me the f up so that wasn’t great. Am basically in constant pain at this point but hopefully surgery will fix me.

Because of school issues it look like i wasn’t going to be able to graduate and get my tce but we managed to scrap together 120 points worth of achievable work to be able to graduate so I’m powering through that and at this point if I don’t get it then it’s not the end of the world because at least I know I tried. Tonight I actually submitted three assignments !!

I have (I think) just the one class with outstanding work and my others are all done and checked off so yay me !

Update

So I was put on Fluoxetine.

Fluoxetine, sold under the brand names Prozac and Sarafem among others, is an antidepressant of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor class. It is used for the treatment of major depressive disorder, obsessive–compulsive disorder, bulimia nervosa, panic disorder, and premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

I’ve been on it for about 5 weeks now. So far I haven’t notice a drastic change but thats to be expected, my psychiatrist said it could up to two months to kick in. I did experience some pretty severe headaches for the first week and an upset stomach, like i was going to throw up but never did so that wasn’t great but it passed quickly. This particular tablet is used most commonly in teens and it’s the first one they recommend. Funnily enough my brother was on it for a little while but isn’t anymore.

I am still very anxious about my exams in November and year 12 ahead but thats why I got put on this, to help lower those anxieties.

I got a huge assignment done on the due date so that was a relief. I had been really anxious about it and i knew it was due and i wasn’t even half way done and so i worked for 4 hours straight and got it done and i’m proud of myself for pushing through. Most of the time when things are overwhelming me i tend to cry and go back to bed and leave it because i’m having a panic attack and its too much but other times i know to push through and get it done. It hard though because I’m the only one who knows my limits but sometimes i still don’t know if i can actually push through or if i can’t.

Funny story, when I was younger, maybe 7, we were having curry for dinner and I told my parents I was too full to finished but my dad said ‘it’s only one more mouth full, you can do it’ so i did and then proceed to throw up all my dinner back into the bowl. So I knew my limit then but still pushed through to eat rater than go ‘no i really can’t’ or whatever but other times i’ll say i can’t do it when really i can so it’s hard for me to gage that and obviously my parents support me and try help gage which way to go as well but still. It’s up to me, you know?

Anyway, things have been kinda okay lately….

The Past.

So I found and old diary/journal of mine from two years ago. I started it on Thursday the 19th of January 2017. I would have been going in to my ninth grade. Most of my issues were around grade 7 and 8 but grade 9 was still real hard on me and it was interesting to read back over everything.

The first few entires were just my daily life. Writing down what I had done and so it was nice reading over memories. I had red over an entry from Friday the 27th of Jan and as I was reading it i could actually remember myself writing it so clearing. Like it was such a strong memory and I fully remembered me laying on the bed in the caravan and writing this. IT WAS WERID!

I read over so many things that had happened in my life two years ago and it was crazy seeing as how things have changed. For example, I wrote about my ex-bff and ‘all the good times we had’ but we’re not friends any more and it was painful reading over some of the things I wrote. “Thing 1 and thing 2 (we shall leaves their names out of this) are spreading rumours about me. I expect it from thing 2 because I knew she already hated me but from thing 1? She’s supposed to be my best friend! I didn’t even do anything wrong. They said I lied but I didn’t and they got mad @ me for no reason and then spread rumours that were no where near true! I just don’t why thing 1, of all people, would do something like that…”

I also found entries of how mean the school and teachers were to me and it just brought everything back up. At one point (Friday the 28th of April) I wrote about this teacher who legit hated me. Not even exaggerating. And she would call me out in front of the class all the time and “I freak out because everyone is looking at me and, HELLO! ANXIETY!! and she’ll laugh, like legit laugh, about it and think it’s nothing! UGH!”

On Monday 22nd of May 2017 I wrote about how my parents were thinking of moving, then that following Thursday the 25th I wrote i’d be moving next term. We were undecided (I was, my parents knew where I was going) and I was going to look through Southern. Here’s the thing, Thing 1 was moving school and I was still her friend (i know crazy but i had my reasons ok) and I wanted to move school with her. I figured if I moved with a “friend” it wouldn’t be as scary. Obvi that didn’t work out. And Southern was the right choice. I mean i would be a complete mess if I moved with thing 1….

I wrote on the 11th of June about my two days at southern. I even wrote “I really enjoy it there, I have friends already and feel as if I really am fitting in. I do really miss Ella” (we was a true friends and I love her and am still friend with her thats why I included her name because props to her!)

I like reading over my past and reliving all the good and even the bad because it shows how far I’v come. I mean back in 2017 I was a slightly depressed SUPER anxious 15 year old and now? I mean yeah I still have anxiety and struggle but I’m improving and my head is in a better place. I have been keeping up with my journaling/diary. I have another full one that i just finished which is basically all of last year and the start of this year and i’m writing in one now. It may seem kinda pointless or cheesy but when I’m 30 and have kids of my own I can look back at my 15 year old sad self and smile and not feel hurt but those memories anymore and I can read over the good time through out my life.

I read over the entry of when i got my cat and all the fun sleepovers with my friends who actually love and care about me and all my previous birthdays (p.s my b’day is this Sunday :)) and Christmas’s and family vacations and stuff.

Reading back over all those fun times, like when my dog jumped on me in excitement and “i look like i escaped from a slasher movie” (7th of Nov .17) or going to the shack with my mum, dinners with my dad, winning my schools poetry comp., the time I wrote about starting my driving and feeling grown up, the time I wrote my new years revolutions (spoiler alert I didn’t do them). Just the little things.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2018

Go to school more (i technically went more but still barely ever)

Learn Spanish ( we had to learn a language for our year 10 project and I did learn some but I was planing to be fluent, I’m not. I also moved to french cause it was more fun)

Learn Indonesian by Indonesian trip (every year Southern would take a group out of the grade 9’s and 10’s to indo for three week. I learnt like three words so fail)

Overcome anxiety a bit, baby steps, (I did overcome it a bit so i guess its a win but i didn’t OVERCOME it if you know what I mean)

So i just pulled out that other journal from last year and I read over my tooth issues (what fun) and my grade 10 camp when a guy peed in a bottled on the crowded bus (super gross) and it dives more into my anxiety with school so I’ll do a whole other post about this journal/diary seperate bc its a wild ride and needs to be talked about 🙂

Lone, Lonley, Loner.

Okay so wow. I did something that TERRIFIED me today. (Yesterday technically because it’s 12:04am).

My mum and nan wanted to see the movie ‘Yesterday’ but I wasn’t interested but I still wanted to go out with them and hang I guess.

So the plan was I either take a book and read or go to a separate movie.

Both scare me because I’d be alone in public with lots of people.

I chosen a movie to pass time quicker.

My movie started 15 minutes after them but I went and got a seat early because sitting in the cafe was way too awkward.

I sat in the third row from the front because 1. I like sitting close and 2. I figured I could ignore everyone behind me and be like ‘okay no one here. Just me. You’re fine’.

I would have been like 10000000000X more comfortable with someone but I survived so yay!

I had sat to the side and three girls sat across the isle to me and two girls sat in front of them. So I convinced myself I had five people but then I said only two cause the three were just out of my view.

I had heard people walk into the theatre but I knew if I looked I’d freak out so I focused on the screen and kept snap chatting my bff to distract myself before hand. The theatre went dark and so it was easy to imagine I was alone.

Omg I forgot! I saw the movie ‘Aladdin’!! I’d seen it once before and love LOVE it so I went again. I feel like that added an incentive to go and Jasmine in the new version is all head strong and ‘I don’t need no man. I can be sultan’ kinda mood and love her omg and her song I won’t be silenced was amazballs so I guess you could say she rubbed off on me and I was like yeah sitting alone in a cinema isn’t as bad as almost getting murdered by Jafar.

Anyway, the movie ended and I left like right away and omg it was FULL. Like all the seats behind me were full. So that made me freak and just basically run and I made it back to my Mumma and I felt safe again.

It was a huge stepping stone for me though because for so long I avoided situations where I knew I’d be alone or I’d leave right when my friend would cause I’d be alone again and so going somewhere by myself was big.

Every time there was an event or outing I would make sure my friends were going so I knew someone and if they weren’t going I wouldn’t go because I knew I’d hate it. I feel like a lost puppy whenever I’m out with friends cause I just hover around them and stick to them and like yeah I’m too scared to be alone because I’m so awkward and anxious around people.

But I was alone!!! Oh My – anxieties!!

Before the movie my mum had to replace a broken thing and so I went next door to the book store (I love books and I thought I’d be more fun) and I was also alone and it was so full and yikes. But my love for books over powered my anxiety.

I didn’t get any books that time but I got books at a different store.

Anyways, I kept to myself and went to where people had left so I’d be not near anyone but like I kept hovering in sections while I waited for the person to move so I could look there and I felt like people thought I was weird. I also didn’t know where to look. I’m into pretty much all books. Like my taste has changed over the years and so I was browsing all the books to see what would grab me and yeah it was busy so I kept hovering in areas waiting like a creep.

There was also this guy who was SUPER tall and I’m like average/small but I felt like a toddler next to him so thanks stranger.

We also kept looking in the same areas so that was awkward.

Is it awkward? I feel like I always make things awkward cause I’m awkward and anxious and weird and so situations that aren’t weird or awkward are to me. I don’t know man. Anxiety is weird. I’m weird.

But yeah I did something scary so yay me.

My psychiatrist and psychologist keep telling me to do more things alone and things that scare me so I feel like she’d like that I went and did that.

Update on the whole medication thing. No news. (What a lame update) my parents had a one on one with her to discuss all things me and she’s gonna make a decision soon. We have an appointment booked so we’ll see.

The thing is, sometimes I feel like I don’t need medication but other times it’s like wow get me the drugs. Like hurdles, sometimes I get over them, sometimes I stumble but can recover and other times it’s impossible and I NEED a stool to get over it.

It’s complicated.

Before leaving school I definitely needed medication to get through but after leaving school things have been all weird and messed up and starting out in the new method of learning and joining late was hard and I was under so much stress and pressure and I felt I needed the medication help but now things have seemed to settle. My anxiety is WAY high but some days I feel like I am able to talk myself down. Thank you Natalie (psychologist) for all the tips and tricks and coping tools and working through it all with me.

We’ll see what happens. I trust my psychiatrist and I’d be happy either way I guess. Like I said, it’s complicated. I’m on the fence and the expert can tell me which way to fall.

Some days my anxiety is manageable and like doesn’t bother me at all and other days it’s over powering and I can’t breathe and I get a panic attack.

Pick a side dude!

Anxiety is a roller coaster and I’m not enjoying the ride.

Art & Life Lessons

So I recently entered the Pilgrim Artist Festival. Art has always been an outlet for me and I enjoy drawing and painting and just creating new things.

I remember one day I was feeling down and I didn’t want to go to school. So I spent the entire day, in my dining room painting and drawing and letting it all out. I have four completed art books over the years and I have two on going ones right now, my very first entry into my art book was back in 2013. Art is a passion of mine and when the opportunity arose in 2017 to enter the Pilgrim Artist festival, I took it.

Each year they have a new theme, the first year I entered it was Hope ( I think, it was a while ago) and I created a piece around a forest fire. It was all about how this fire had destroyed the forest but this new bud was growing in fresh soil, hope after destruction, life after death. I called it First Sprout After Fire.

It was my first work to ever be displayed and I was pretty proud.

This year, the theme was Grief and Hope and they had a literary entry as well for the first time and if you don’t know, I write poetry and stories. So I entered all three categories. My art was selected again but my literary work wasn’t. I was a little disappointed because I’m more proud and happy about my literary work than I am about my painting. I like my literary pieces more.

This was my art work. I was aiming for how theres hope at the end of the tunnel. It’s all black except for the centre, where there’s a rainbow emerging and pushing the light through. It’s all about how the darkness of life and grief can overwhelm you and trap you, but there’s still hope waiting just out of reach, through the door on the other side. I kinda like how it turned out. I have two version of my poem and I think I entered the longer one,

Death

Coldness consumes me

my heart lay 6 feet under

with you in the dirt

as the hope of a new day

shall always call me away

Death 

As the coldness consumes me I lay still 

Not daring to move as they lower you 

My heart lay 6 feet under in the chill  

The dirt covers you, you shall have no view 

A new rise of the sun shall blind the earth  

I still sit by a name written in stone 

I cry and weep for you but hope shall birth  

I hope to heal but I am still alone    

I gather all my strength and turn away  

How will I go on without you beside 

I am now forever clothed in all grey 

You promised not to leave me, you have lied 

I wander the streets alone, you are gone 

With only the company of wet lawn.

And my fiction work was titled New Day,

My feet are numb. Rain trickles over my face. My ears ring. I stand still. I hear the fait hum of someone calling my name but I don’t move. All I can do is stare at the ground. The fresh turned up dirt becoming mud. I shiver, not from the rain or the cold but from the absence of your touch. I look at the cold, steel grey stone. Your name etched into it in black, bold letters. I’m alone. I stare down, willing my eyes to go through the brown dirt to where you lay. Confined to the sandalwood box. Eyes closed, face cold. I stand there, looking at your grave. I hope this is all a dream and that you will come up behind me, hand on my shoulder, pulling me home. I wait. Nothing. You’re really gone. I stand there until the rain has gone, my face still wet from salty tears. I see the sun, but don’t feel it’s warmth. Cold is all I’m left with, you were my light, my warmth and now you’re gone. I stumble back, the sun catches in my eye. I look up, it’s you. I see your soft smile and my heart fills once more. I hear your soft voice call to me, saying you’re okay and you’re with me. I smile. I turn away, hope filling the air around me as the sun rises further into the sky, a new day has come. 

In other news, school sucks. I’m on break at the moment but I still have to do catch up work so that’s fun…

School is always just way more stressful than it needs to be. Teachers needs to chill out and understand how stressful college is (grade 11/12). I don’t know what its like for the rest of the world but here in Tasmania (and the rest of Australia), college is a big deal. The teachers tend to be more strict with work and assignments and expectations. I feel like the only time I’m going to need to know how to do trigonometry is when my kid has to learn it. I know that some math is important for pilots and engineers and stuff but that’s not what I want to do. They should teach you want you need to know. Like if you want to be a pilot, learn that stuff, if you don’t then don’t. There also needs to be more options for creative kids, like me, who thrive on drama and art and music and those kinds of classes because right now a lot of schools are throwing more effort and money into classes like maths and science and English and that’s great for kids who thrive in those courses but not so much for kids who don’t.

I also feel like they need to teach us how to do important life things like money management or taxes. Teach us how to calculate tips and how to budget our life style properly so we don’t go homeless or bankrupt. Education is important but sometimes I feel like we need to be getting a different kind of education. I turn 18 next year and I am so unprepared on how to live and sustain myself. I never knew how much my parents did until I started realise what I needed to do to survive. I don’t have a job which makes it hard to earn any money for things and no one wants to hire me so it makes it harder. I am fortune enough to be getting pocket money, which means I can save for my future but once I turn 18 I have to support myself. I feel as if school should be teaching us how to properly support ourselves. I need to be taught how to budget my bills and be able to afford food and other necessities.

My parents have been helping a little and I’m sure once those things occur they will help more but some people don’t have that support and I feel like its the schools job to teach us those things anyway.

I love how this post did a 180.

Burdens

Just a warning, I wrote this late at night and I was ranting a little bit so I may come off crazy and confusing but just roll with it 😉👍

So there’s this rapper called NF and he recently released a song about anxiety and burdens and it was good you know but I kinda got a little mad.

He had these black balloons that were representing his burdens and there were people walking around holding these burden balloons and it was a clever idea and stuff but like burdens aren’t like balloons.

Balloons are light and floating and can fly away whereas burdens are heavy and weigh you down and you usually drag them and stumble and there not easy to carry but balloons are….

So like I don’t know.

It was a cleaver idea and I get what his trying to do but burdens aren’t balloons. They’re heavy and crush you and sit on your shoulders or chest but balloons don’t convey that. The balloons he had were blowing in the wind and floating and being light and maybe he was saying yeah they can fly away but we don’t let them or something but I was just having one of those days and it made me a little annoyed.

Maybe I’m just crazy.

Burdens are heavy and crush you.

Balloons float and are light.

I just didn’t see the connection. And maybe that’s my fault you know but I just. I don’t know.

Burdens aren’t like that.

If he was trying to say that balloons can float away just like burdens if we let them go then I get it, good point and all. But yeah. I just got in one of my moods and the balloons didn’t covey how burdens are too me.

Anxiety is different for everyone and so maybe this is how he personally sees his anxieties and burdens and whatnot but yeah to me burdens are heavy and weigh you down whereas balloons don’t do that.

On another note, I got a huge business studies booklet done!! It was boring as and I couldn’t find the links to some of the questions and videos so it was hard to answer it all but I got it done and it isn’t due until the 5th so yay me for getting it done two weeks early.

This may not seem like an achievement or something to post on a blog but it is to me because I struggle with school a lot and it was a huge thing and I got it done early so yay I’m happy even if you’re not 😊

You do you boo!

I still have a lot of other work assignments that are causing me great stress and anxiety but I got this one done so it’s a smaller pile already.

Side note, if anyone is good at maths I would appreciate your brain for a few hours so I can tackle this maths assignment on stupid trigonometry please and thank you 😉👌

Or if anyone is good at writing essay cause I suck and my teacher keeps telling me to use bigger and fancier words and I don’t know that many. I also just suck at putting a good argument together and making my point across within the assignment. It’s weird though because I write story’s and I’m working on a few novels at the moment (then again I do always start a new one cause i never know how to finish it off 🤭) but I can’t write a good essay ?? Is that just me? Maybe it’s because it’s school work so my brain instantly switches off and I can’t concentrate. For example, I had to read this massive book for class and it took my like four weeks or something but I’ve ridden books within a day before. I mean it could be because ew school or it could be because this book for school wasn’t a book I would usually choose and was tougher to read (she used big words) but I was under a lot of stress and anxiety which always turns my brain off no matter if it’s for school or not so that could’ve been it.

Maths

So I recently got an A on my math test… I’m not trying to brag or anything it’s just I’m not the best at maths and so it felt nice…. but I don’t feel like I earned it. I mean my brother basically just told me what to write and sure I learnt something but I wouldn’t feel confident taking another test without help because I’m always doubting myself when it comes to maths.

Maybe that’s why I hate it so much…. I feel dumb and I always doubt my ability…

Math works at a fast pace and they’re always moving on to a new topic just as I begin to understand the last one so I’m always confused and behind. Plus you always have to remember things for math equations and I don’t have the best memory. Imagine dory from finding Nemo except I remover useless information that I don’t need, like did you know rain can travel 45 km/h? Or that an office desk has 400 times more germs than a toilet? Who needs to know this? Me apparently.

It’s just, I don’t always feel like I need math in my life. I mean we’ve got google and calculators now anyway and I probably know enough to get me through life and to be honest the only time I feel like I’d need to know how to work out trigonometry is when my kids starts learning it and even then I’d just get their dad or Siri to do it instead 🙂

I know math is important for pilots or engineers or whatever but it’s not like I’m gonna be one..

Math isn’t my thing and that’s okay. For some people math is like writing their name, easy and could do it with their eyes closed, but for others, like me, it’s a hard thing that makes them feel lesser or dumb. Maybe I don’t know, but that’s how it makes me feel.

Plus because I’ve been doing this flexible delivery I just get sent the booklet, I mean there are lessons online but it makes it harder to even understand the questions and when I emailed my teacher for help he said, well it’s a test so I can’t help. I also didn’t know or couldn’t find the lessons online for a while and I was on my own, once I found them it was easier but it still sucks and it’s not as easy as having a teacher right there. Also when I got the test result he just said, you and an A, Good job. No feedback otherwise. Usually you get sent the test sheet back with little red ticks and crosses and notes but nope I just got a good job, it be better if I had actual feedback but whatever….

My parents thought about getting a tutor and I guess it’s something to consider but I’ve got bigger problems than math right now (although this post says otherwise haha help). Like English for example or my mental state. Math whilst a big problem is small compared to my other issues.

I don’t know…

Math will just have to wait…

Most likely until I die because I am not prepared for it lol 😉

Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

I’m super tired.

It’s 1 Am.

Okay I’m weird.

BYE!

Roller Coaster Of Anxiety

So it’s been a crazy ride. I feel this heavy weight on me and I try push it away but I just feel overwhelmed and it wont move.

School came back on Monday the 29th but I had to do schoolwork over the holidays to catch up which sucked but I get it, I was behind. I had a cry this morning. I was exhausted and just didn’t want to work. I felt miserable and over whelmed. I took a break and had a shower and cried again. I even had a nap cause my brain was just dead. I did start to chip away at work after all that though. I have an essay for English that’s way over due and I haven’t even started because I’ve been focusing on other work and I had to finish a book that the essay was about. I have half a business studies booklet to finish which was due Monday and I’ve got a History test thing due tomorrow that is like a huge deal for my grades. So I’m feeling pretty swamped. The thing is, I was three steps behind when I started school because I joined late, so everything thus far has felt not good enough. I had to read a 370 page book and complete questions on each chapter, then write an essay on it, then I had all these over due history things and a massive booklet for business studies and the work kept piling on and I just couldn’t keep up with it all. I focused firstly on my English because that was due last term (which I had missed) and I had to catch up because it was a level 3 class so I was throwing all my efforts into English and I wasn’t doing work for any other class so those assignments were becoming overdue. I’m trying to juggle five things at once and well frankly, I suck at juggling. My parents say to take it one step at a time and not get overwhelmed and I’m trying but it’s hard. I take a break for ten minutes and three new things are overdue, I mean not actually but it feels like it. I know there is an expectation when it comes to education and work and stuff and that college (year 11) is a big deal but it’s like they’re telling me to read a 370 page book, write a 1500 word essay, complete an entire booklet and twelve test by Friday and I can’t. I mean even if I didn’t have this crippling anxiety it would still be impossible! I am grateful that I don’t have to focus on getting into the school environment and I can start to focus on my work load but anxiety is still being annoying and is an issue. I mean I know I’m always gonna get anxious about stuff and my psychologist says small amounts of anxiety can be good because it can motivate you and it means you care, it just about not getting to that ‘I’m so anxious I can’t do it’ stage. But I know I’m always going to feel anxious or nervous about a new job or getting a new house of having conflict with someone but I’m just hoping that by the time I get through school and actually start living my life I will be able to control and life with those anxieties.

I had my first appointment with a psychiatrists but that was mainly a get-to-know-me thing, I have a follow up appointment on the 14th and maybe I’ll get put on something to shut up my anxiety but maybe I won’t need it, maybe I’ll be able to get over the hurdle without the stool. I’m still seeing my psychologist and she is helping and giving me tools to use against my anxiety, she used a lasagna as one example, layers and layers of stress and anxiety all adding together. I mean if I didn’t already hate the food I sure do now! I tend to get stressed that I am so stressed which added to my massive lasagna and I feel like an alien, I shouldn’t fell like this. She said that it’s common though, to have anxiety’s about stress. I guess I’m just feeling swamped with expectations that I cannot fulfill. My parents talked about taking the year off the recover and get everything under control but I don’t want to repeat the year. I mean my brother repeated year 11 and everything worked out for him so it wouldn’t be the end of the world but still, I don’t want to. I guess if I repeat then it means all my efforts so far were for nothing.

I know that most of my thoughts are insane and don’t make sense and even when I say them out loud or write them down it’s like, ‘Really? That’s so stupid. It doesn’t make an sense’. But I still have them and even when I isolate them and shut them up a new thought pops up and its a vicious cycle that I can’t seem to break no matter how hard I try. It just sucks. Anxiety sucks.