The Past.

So I found and old diary/journal of mine from two years ago. I started it on Thursday the 19th of January 2017. I would have been going in to my ninth grade. Most of my issues were around grade 7 and 8 but grade 9 was still real hard on me and it was interesting to read back over everything.

The first few entires were just my daily life. Writing down what I had done and so it was nice reading over memories. I had red over an entry from Friday the 27th of Jan and as I was reading it i could actually remember myself writing it so clearing. Like it was such a strong memory and I fully remembered me laying on the bed in the caravan and writing this. IT WAS WERID!

I read over so many things that had happened in my life two years ago and it was crazy seeing as how things have changed. For example, I wrote about my ex-bff and ‘all the good times we had’ but we’re not friends any more and it was painful reading over some of the things I wrote. “Thing 1 and thing 2 (we shall leaves their names out of this) are spreading rumours about me. I expect it from thing 2 because I knew she already hated me but from thing 1? She’s supposed to be my best friend! I didn’t even do anything wrong. They said I lied but I didn’t and they got mad @ me for no reason and then spread rumours that were no where near true! I just don’t why thing 1, of all people, would do something like that…”

I also found entries of how mean the school and teachers were to me and it just brought everything back up. At one point (Friday the 28th of April) I wrote about this teacher who legit hated me. Not even exaggerating. And she would call me out in front of the class all the time and “I freak out because everyone is looking at me and, HELLO! ANXIETY!! and she’ll laugh, like legit laugh, about it and think it’s nothing! UGH!”

On Monday 22nd of May 2017 I wrote about how my parents were thinking of moving, then that following Thursday the 25th I wrote i’d be moving next term. We were undecided (I was, my parents knew where I was going) and I was going to look through Southern. Here’s the thing, Thing 1 was moving school and I was still her friend (i know crazy but i had my reasons ok) and I wanted to move school with her. I figured if I moved with a “friend” it wouldn’t be as scary. Obvi that didn’t work out. And Southern was the right choice. I mean i would be a complete mess if I moved with thing 1….

I wrote on the 11th of June about my two days at southern. I even wrote “I really enjoy it there, I have friends already and feel as if I really am fitting in. I do really miss Ella” (we was a true friends and I love her and am still friend with her thats why I included her name because props to her!)

I like reading over my past and reliving all the good and even the bad because it shows how far I’v come. I mean back in 2017 I was a slightly depressed SUPER anxious 15 year old and now? I mean yeah I still have anxiety and struggle but I’m improving and my head is in a better place. I have been keeping up with my journaling/diary. I have another full one that i just finished which is basically all of last year and the start of this year and i’m writing in one now. It may seem kinda pointless or cheesy but when I’m 30 and have kids of my own I can look back at my 15 year old sad self and smile and not feel hurt but those memories anymore and I can read over the good time through out my life.

I read over the entry of when i got my cat and all the fun sleepovers with my friends who actually love and care about me and all my previous birthdays (p.s my b’day is this Sunday :)) and Christmas’s and family vacations and stuff.

Reading back over all those fun times, like when my dog jumped on me in excitement and “i look like i escaped from a slasher movie” (7th of Nov .17) or going to the shack with my mum, dinners with my dad, winning my schools poetry comp., the time I wrote about starting my driving and feeling grown up, the time I wrote my new years revolutions (spoiler alert I didn’t do them). Just the little things.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2018

Go to school more (i technically went more but still barely ever)

Learn Spanish ( we had to learn a language for our year 10 project and I did learn some but I was planing to be fluent, I’m not. I also moved to french cause it was more fun)

Learn Indonesian by Indonesian trip (every year Southern would take a group out of the grade 9’s and 10’s to indo for three week. I learnt like three words so fail)

Overcome anxiety a bit, baby steps, (I did overcome it a bit so i guess its a win but i didn’t OVERCOME it if you know what I mean)

So i just pulled out that other journal from last year and I read over my tooth issues (what fun) and my grade 10 camp when a guy peed in a bottled on the crowded bus (super gross) and it dives more into my anxiety with school so I’ll do a whole other post about this journal/diary seperate bc its a wild ride and needs to be talked about 🙂